Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished Congress members.

Again we meet, while the world remains the same. Israel faces threats of extermination; we are being persecuted and are getting no rest. As your ally, I came here to draw encouragement for the “sit and do nothing” policy I’ve been leading with great skill.

There is no doubt that “survival” is the key word in the Middle East, and therefore it’s important for my government to survive. Help me survive, Congress members. Help me stick with Avigdor Lieberman, Eli Yishai and Ehud Barak as well. That way we’ll be able to preserve the hope for a greyer, darker future. Had I been a soccer coach, I would be confessing right about now: This is the starting lineup and these are the players I’ll be going with; the most important thing is to stay in the league and not get demoted. And soccer is played one week at a time.

Congress members, I fail to understand why people are clinging to a word I uttered once or twice. So I spoke of a Palestinian state in Bar-Ilan. So what? It was in Bar-Ilan. Get the hint. Had I truly wanted to speak about a Palestinian state, earnestly, I would have done it at one of our soccer stadiums. Besides, I did not say “independent state.” I did say that it will be Palestinian and demilitarized, not Palestinian and sovereign. How could people misunderstand me?

What, am I the first to ever say something and not deliver? Mr. President, nobody knows this better than you. You too promised Mahmoud Abbas to object to construction in the settlements and freeze them – that is, you pressed me a little at first, but we reached an understanding on this front and left President Abbas up in the air. This is the time to thank you, Congress members, for helping me “explain” to President Obama that I should not be pressed on the settlements issue. You did well to express the mood of your constituents, the friendly American people.

As you know, the Middle East is in turmoil, we are seeing protests and revolutions, so why not wait a decade or two to provide young Arabs with an opportunity to do well for themselves? Maybe then we shall resume the talks, not necessarily from where they ended. Engaging in talks is important. Wow, we love negotiations, and when there is no peace we can negotiate again.

Besides, we’re the only democracy in the Middle East (a laughter break. Waving and saying thank you.) This is the only democracy where we allow the Arabs to speak at the Knesset. They yell all the time and are not nice, even though we pay them at the end of the month and they get a car, just like Jewish Knesset members. It’s true that when they return home their roads are not the best, and the sewage system in Taibe is not quite in order, but no worries – it doesn’t stink too badly.

They can watch soccer on television, stadiums are not a must. Since when do Arabs like soccer? We are so generous to them. After all, we are talking about a Jewish democracy and the merciful Jewish heart. We offer goodwill gestures all the time. I would like to thank you for not mentioning the Arab minority’s status, because after all, you are concerned for the Jews, your only allies in the region. And just between us, democracy is only suitable for Jews.

I was very angry at the young people in Egypt and Tunisia. Suddenly they’re using Facebook? Making revolutions? Wanting democracy, and doing everything peacefully? They went a little too far, what are they thinking, that they’re Jewish? Say, can you write in Arabic on Facebook? Did Mark Zuckerberg go mad? Terrible.

And just like in any democratic state, I must seek the advice of my natural allies, my friend Avigdor Lieberman and the learned minister Eli Yishai. These are the people I consult with, because we are a democracy. Mr. President, if you had such advisors, the US would look different.

I almost forgot to mention the Iranian threat – not the Bushehr reactor, but rather, Shaul Mofaz. Suddenly he appears, presents diplomatic plans and dares to say that the reconciliation agreement between Fatah and Hamas is a golden opportunity. Didn’t I tell you, Mr. President, that the threat will come from Iran’s direction? Perhaps philosopher Yuval Steinitz will also curb the fund transfers from the Knesset to Mofaz at the end of the month. And why the hell do these Arabs want a unity government? What are they thinking? That they’re Jewish? Unity is something that only we have. There it’s called terror.

Members of the two Houses: We have a golden opportunity and such window of opportunity shall never repeat. This is the time to inform you of my wish to bring Yaakov Katz and the National Union into this government, in order to reinforce the hope and appease the State of Israel’s future leadership – Tzipi Hotovely, Danny Danon, Carmel Shama, Zeev Elkin, Ofir Akunis and Yariv Levin. And also Miri Regev.

You must be asking what about Michael Ben Ari? I’ll leave him for the next speech next year, because after all, I’d like to give the people of the region some hope.